mshafizah’s journal

I’ve never been admitted into hospital since a baby. Naturally I felt nervous. I hate being sick. Only strengthen the thinking that I’m weak somehow. Once admitted, changed into the hospital robe with disposable panties n all. Waited a while for op to start. IV drip was injected in me just outside the op room and finally I was directed to the op table. It was really like in te dramas, with the lights n tools ard me. And the anesthesia mask was placed on me, smells terribly metallic and before I know it I was knocked out. Next thing I know I woke up some where in the ward feeling dizzy n freezing cos of the cold. Couldn’t really move yet on the bed. Moved again somewhere n this time I tried to move my left arm. Hmm no pain there. The full pain started to be felt once I reached home. Nauseous in the car ride back home as anesthesia starting to wear off.

Now day 4 and I could still feel the pain from the cut.

It might have suited us both better if we were not together now, isn’t it? At least u won’t have such a clingy n attention seeking gf like me but instead someone else who’s more stable n independent. I realized that I’m not like that now even though few years back I would have acted that way. Now, I realized I need someone by my side who’s able to be there for me most of the time. Someone more rooted. I don’t know what the future holds. Both of us have done many things some even overstepping our boundaries. It’s hard to get back to where things were. I’m feeling insecure probably cos I feel like I’m neither here nor there in your life. Just stuck with the status of being your girlfriend. I really have no hold over you. You’re the guy sayang not me. Others pity me cos of that wondering why I chose this kind of life with you. Waiting without no exact end in mind or exact time I can stop all the waiting.