mshafizah’s journal

Mandurah.
I felt terrible for landing us in trouble. Angry & disappointed at myself yet again. Can’t control my sadness somehow. It doesn’t help when I just cried bucketful more when Abg tried to comfort me. I didn’t want to look at your face nor look at the SMS you sent me cos I just kept quiet n cried silently didn’t I? I remember how you sat beside me n tried to make me look at you, talking to me the whole time when I just kept silent. You were very patient with me throughout dear.. Thank you dear. I know you can take good care of me n my parents have seen it firsthand. They know their daughter is not easy to take care of.

Mandurah.
I felt terrible for landing us in trouble. Angry & disappointed at myself yet again. Can’t control my sadness somehow. It doesn’t help when I just cried bucketful more when Abg tried to comfort me. I didn’t want to look at your face nor look at the SMS you sent me cos I just kept quiet n cried silently didn’t I? I remember how you sat beside me n tried to make me look at you, talking to me the whole time when I just kept silent. You were very patient with me throughout dear.. Thank you dear. I know you can take good care of me n my parents have seen it firsthand. They know their daughter is not easy to take care of.

Weddings. Survived a day of weddings but not without some difficulties. I think I’ll never get used to going for weddings without him.it’s just too awkward n I feel like I’m pitied always. Disagreement with Ibu early in the morning making me feel all sad n lonely once again. Msged him n waiting for his reply but it never came. Cried early morning n the tears just doesn’t seem to stop. How did I deal with it? I felt alone n it only made me harden my heart n emotions. People always think I’m lucky n look ok alright.. But they dont know what I go thru, always on my toes expecting a call, insecure, jealous to see others with their fiancé or husband but not me.. Mcm layang2 terputus tali n the things I’ve done, fighting conflict within myself. Is that why I feel like others pity me but they don’t say it out to me cos I was the one who made the choice kan.. I just have to live with it n even when I suffer I have to do it alone. I’m so scared

Picnic at sengkang riverside park:
Met all the girls again this year except Syaz.
Again, our topics of conversation seem to evolve around wedding preparations. I just listened as usual, not taking part in their conversation at all. Mine is still far I feel and I also don’t really feel the excitement as yet. It’s a good thing no one asked abt me, probably they understand that it’s not possible even if I wanted it.
Next hot topic.. Rumah.. Another topic I can’t contribute in. Macam semua dah apply For rumah well except me n Fifi. I don’t even think abt getting a house for myself.
Much I’ve learnt from the girls ESP on marriage n rumah..
Gi rumah baru nada,.,

I don’t know what to do. It seems so simple, the solution to this problem. Just get married my mum said. I understand what my parents mean by being segan, I was there myself in the beginning.and now when I’m trying to explain this particular situation to him he just doesn’t seem to get it he gets frustrated at me n have a text fight. He wants to sleep when I myself can’t seem to sleep thinking abt this. What should I do?

Same old problem again. Called syg to talk but in the end his actions made me lose the desire to tell him anything personal. Sedih sendiri.. He didn’t even call back he no longer does that I notice. I just have to cry to myself again n console myself n try not to hurt my heart. It’s already been hurting.

I’ve never been admitted into hospital since a baby. Naturally I felt nervous. I hate being sick. Only strengthen the thinking that I’m weak somehow. Once admitted, changed into the hospital robe with disposable panties n all. Waited a while for op to start. IV drip was injected in me just outside the op room and finally I was directed to the op table. It was really like in te dramas, with the lights n tools ard me. And the anesthesia mask was placed on me, smells terribly metallic and before I know it I was knocked out. Next thing I know I woke up some where in the ward feeling dizzy n freezing cos of the cold. Couldn’t really move yet on the bed. Moved again somewhere n this time I tried to move my left arm. Hmm no pain there. The full pain started to be felt once I reached home. Nauseous in the car ride back home as anesthesia starting to wear off.

Now day 4 and I could still feel the pain from the cut.

It might have suited us both better if we were not together now, isn’t it? At least u won’t have such a clingy n attention seeking gf like me but instead someone else who’s more stable n independent. I realized that I’m not like that now even though few years back I would have acted that way. Now, I realized I need someone by my side who’s able to be there for me most of the time. Someone more rooted. I don’t know what the future holds. Both of us have done many things some even overstepping our boundaries. It’s hard to get back to where things were. I’m feeling insecure probably cos I feel like I’m neither here nor there in your life. Just stuck with the status of being your girlfriend. I really have no hold over you. You’re the guy sayang not me. Others pity me cos of that wondering why I chose this kind of life with you. Waiting without no exact end in mind or exact time I can stop all the waiting.

What’s wrong with me? I’ve been tearing up very often at night, always after talking on the phone with him. Am I feeling insecure..been having thoughts of what it would be like if I chose some other normal guy who’ll always be there beside me. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to be here all alone waiting

Clingy me
Sensitive me
Stubborn me

All i wanted was to spend more time with you. Not to argue n throw an attitude at you. Why do your remarks hurt me so n prick me so much?

Felt hurt and disappointed when you scolded me for posting our whereabouts on fb. Why? Somehow it felt like you’re ashamed of being with me that it must always be a secret. That’s how I felt at that moment. And I erased them.

Why did you make a remark on sitting on the grass patch? I really would love to do it with you one day, sitting on the grass n watch the kites in the sky. But you tak erti to do that. I felt very happy watching the kites with you even while standing, my idea of a perfect day.

Im too sensitive am I ?